Note: This story is a parody of "Casablanca", which is copyrighted by Warner Brothers and MGM. That, combined with there are references to songs copyrighted by various outside parties and all of the characters in this story are copyrighted by Disney, I naturally have absolutely NO profit motive with this story.
****************************************************************************************************
Setting: Mid-1942 Morocco, where the refugees of war-torn Europe have journeyed in hopes of making it to freedom. Those fortunate few, through either wealth or connections, can acquire exit visas that allow them to head for Lisbon and, from there, the United States. Everybody else waits in Casablanca .... and waits .... and waits. Fortunately, they are able to wait with some measure of hope as, in this story's reality, a shadowy guardian watches over Casablanca, faithfully protecting those innocent refugees until they can obtain their exit visas, ready to pounch upon any injustices within his protectorate like a phantom in the darkness. This is one of the stories of that guardian.
A young couple walks the Casablanca streets at night and comes across a white-suited man with purple hair and green, vine-like skin.
Bushroot: "Excuse me, young couple, but the streets of this city aren't safe for a nice young couple like yourself. There are all sorts of crooks in these streets. The name's Reginald Bushroot (shaking the unnamed man's hand).".
Suddenly an all-too-familar FWMPHT! sound gets Bushroot's attention accompanied by an eerie voice stemming from a thick cloud of blue smoke.
Darkwing Duck: "Yeah! You would know all about petty thieves, Pedal Head! You happen to BE ONE yourself (leaping out of the blue smoke and nailing Bushroot with a flying web kick)."
Bushroot looks up to see a duck in a dark purple overcoat with a matching mask and cape and a large grey fedora, who grabs a wallet and some papers from Bushroot. Bushroot, however, splits the scene after Darkwing turns toward the couple.
Darkwing Duck: "Don't worry about that larcenous leaf-lover, young lovebirds; he pulls this kind of stuff a lot, but no innocent refugees are going to get ripped off by that mulch-munching mugger so long as Darkwing Duck is on the job. By the way, sir, here are your wallet and papers back."
Unnamed Young Man (after checking his jacket and pants pockets): "Man, that guy's a good pickpocket. Thanks, sir.".
Darkwing Duck: "Yep Yep Yep Yep! Just remember that, if the papers ask, the name's Darkwing Duck. That's TWO words, by the way, not THREE; both "'D'"s capitalized. (vanishing in a swirl of blue smoke.".
******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
About two hours later, Darkwing Duck comes up swinging up to the top-floor back window of a night club called "Drake's All-American Cafe", slips out of his mask, cape, hat and overcoat and puts on a fancy white dinner jacket and putting his wallet, which has the identifaction "Drake Mallard" in it, before coming downstairs to the bar, where he sees a rather chubby male goose trying to serve a red-haired nine-year-old female duck.
Herb Muddlefoot (bartender): "Look, Gos, you want anything in the bar that ISN'T stronger than soda, it's yours. I love you like my OWN daughter."
Drake Mallard: "Herb, what did I tell you about serving Gosalyn beverages, even NON-ALCHOLIC ones, after six-thirty p.m.?".
Herb Muddlefoot: "Sorry, Gos. I love you like a daughter, but your father pays my salary.".
Gosalyn Waddlemeyer Mallard: "Aww, geeze, dad, all I wanted was a drink of water.".
Drake Mallard: "Don't give me that, little missy. You were going to try to talk Herb into giving you a soda pop. I know you TOO WELL to fall for that "I only wanted a drink of water" line.".
Gosalyn Waddlemeyer Mallard: "Well, I heard something that, even if you DON'T fully believe me, you'd better AT LEAST check out. I kind of ease-dropped on Captain Sputterspark's offices and heard that two German couriers were killed on a train carrying special letters AND top secret plans for some sort of powerful weapon.".
Drake Mallard (in a concerned voice): "Gosalyn, I've told you before NOT to go ease-dropping on the police; you could have been seriously hurt. That makes twice in one night you disobeyed me and, for THAT, I'm grounding you for six months.".
Gosalyn Waddlemeyer Mallard (sarcastically): "Like THAT's going to be a big difference; there is ALREADY a city-wide seven-o'clock curfew for anybody under the age of 21 and, even those OVER the age of 21 have an ELEVEN o'clock curfew.".
Drake Mallard (in a firm-but-gentle voice): "Just the same, Gosalyn, I don't want to chance anything bad happening to you. I care about you too much to want you getting hurt. Still, if what you say is even half-true, then this city may be in for a MAJOR state of emergency, which would DEFINITELY be a job for Darkwing Duck.".
Gosayln Waddlemeyer Mallard: "I suppose, as uusal, you are going to insist on me sitting this one out.".
Drake Mallard: "Afraid so, sweetie. You ARE grounded, after all and there IS a seven-o'clock curfew."
********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Suddenly, Casablanca police captain Elmo Sputterspark enters the cafe. He is wearing a pair of blue gloves, a pair of safety goggles and a large battery strapped to his back in addition to the expected police captain's uniform. Elmo comes up to Drake unaware of the conversation he would have heard if he arrived just ten seconds sooner.
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Hello, Drake; just came by to tell you that my police force plans on making an arrest here within a couple of hours since everyone in this city eventually come's to this establishment and we expect our quarry to be here within that time frame. I'd also like to warn you not to interfere with the arrest, ESPECIALLY with the Third Reich's own Major Taurus Bulba coming here to supervise the fugitive's capture."
Drake convincingly hides how well he recognizes the name Bulba; he helped run the concentration camp where Gosalyn's natural parents and grandfather died. Somehow, Gosalyn found a way to escape and find her way to Casablanca, where she met and charmed Drake into adopting her a year prior to this story's setting. With tears in her eyes, Gosalyn mentioned the camp's chief torturer's name to be Taurus Bulba.
Drake Mallard: "I'm sure Major Bulba isn't interested in seeing a demonstration of your police force's efficency; which probably isn't all it's cracked up to be, by the way, seeing as your squad hasn't made an arrest in three months.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Only because of the interference of some meddlesome vigilante calling himself Darkwing Duck. It's getting so that a cop in this town can't make a dishonest living anymore with him around.".
Drake Mallard: "Just out of curiousity, Captain Sputterspark, what makes you think I would be interested in helping your mystery fugitive escape?".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Because, though you may ACT cynical, I believe that you are, at heart, a sentilmentalist. Scoff if you will but I've seen your record. I just wish I could remember all the stuff on it. However, two instances come to mind rather quickly; in 1937, you ran food and medicine to Warsaw and, in 1938, you helped Cape Suzette against an army of air pirates.".
Drake Mallard: "I got pretty well-paid for BOTH instances, Captain Sputterspark.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "The winning side would have paid you MORE.".
Drake Mallard: "Actually, Captain Sputterspark, the people of Cape Suzette WERE the winning side in the instance you mentioned.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Oh, yeah. That's right. I guess my memory's worse than I thought. I still remember one thing clearly from the report; my mysterious quarry is clever, but will still need an exit visa. I know exit visas have been sold at this cafe, but that YOU have never actually sold one; that's one of the reasons I allow this cafe to stay open, Drake.".
Drake Mallard: "Oh, and here, I thought the reason you allowed me to stay open is because I always let you win at roulette and slots.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Like YOU could stop me from winning; my electrical powers would allow me to win at those machines ANYWAY. Come to think of it, these electrical powers were probably part of the reason I made police captain so quickly. Still, I DO appreciate the courtesy. I was always wondering though; what DID convince you to move here?".
Drake Mallard: "I moved here for my health. I heard the oasis waters were excellent here.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "But we are a good twenty miles from the nearest oasis; which is good news for me considering MY elecrtrical powers.".
Drake Mallard: "I suppose I was misinformed.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "I think you came here to get away from something. Maybe you swiped money from your church's collection plate or ran off with one of the head minister's light bulbs or, perhaps, you're on the run because you killed somebody. I'd like to think that it's a combination of the two latter options; it's the romantic nut in me. Well, it's the NUT in me.".
Drake Mallard: "Think whatever you want to help yourself get through the day, Captain Sputterspark; I don't mind. Don't worry, by the way, about me helping this mystery refugee escape. I stick my neck out for nobody except my daughter and, as long as she stays here at the cafe, I don't have to stick my neck out for her THAT often.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "A very wise policy, Drake. Still, I had to be sure.".
***************************************************************************************************************************************
After Captain Sputterspark heads off for different parts of the cafe, Drake comes through the cafe crowd and approaches a tall, muscular three-quarters duck one-quarter pelican with bright red hair. This individual is dressed in a black suit playing "Knock on Wood" on the club's piano (knocking on his own head every time he gets to the "knock on wood" part). The piano player sees Drake and, after he finishes the song, steps away from the piano for a few minutes. After Drake and Launchpad are far enough away from the prying ears of the club, the two avians begin quietly talking.
Drake Mallard: "Well, looks like another good night for the club, Launchpad."
Launchpad McQuack: "Yeperino, DW .... sorry, I mean Drake. I've got the plane all fueled up and in perfect working order.".
Drake Mallard: "Excellent, LP. As soon as we close up the club for the night, I want you to fly our weekly planeload of refugees to Lisbon then head back here. Little does Captain Sputterspark know that I may not SELL exit visas as Drake Mallard but, as Darkwing Duck, I DO give them away.".
Launchpad McQuack: "Errr, Drake, I think I see Bushroot coming in. I think he wants to talk to you about something."
Drake Mallard: "Okay, get back to the piano and I'll see what old salad-face wants.".
***************************************************************************************************************************************
Launchpad returns to the piano and starts playing "Come Fly With Me" while Drake sits at a far-off table to replace Bushroot.
Bushroot: "Mister Mallard, I would like to give you something for safe-keeping; I know you despise me and, somehow, that makes you one of the few individuals I trust. However, I think you'll be impressed with what I have THIS time.".
Drake Mallard: "You've got five minutes, Bushroot. For YOUR sake, I hope you're not exaggerating about the importance of what you have.".
Bushroot: "Well, it's something one of my cactus friends grabbed off of some unknown character just stepping off a train.".
Bushroot plays out two letters of transit and a set of plans for a powerful suit of exo-armor. Drake then recalls what Gosalyn told her about what she heard ease-dropping on Captain Sputterspark's office but convincingly feigns partial ignorance.
Drake Mallard: "You're right, Bushroot. I AM impressed.".
Bushroot: "Come on, Mister Mallard. It's not like I'm any worse than anybody else in this city. Heck, I charge only one-fourth the price for exit visas as anybody else in this city.".
Drake Mallard: "It's not parasites I have a problem with, Bushroot; it's CUT-RATE parasites.".
Bushroot: "Don't worry; after tonight, I'll be out of this city for good. Good thing too, because it's EXHAUSTING walking twenty miles to the oasis every day. I plan on making my biggest sale ever and making enough money to retire in luxury. I also know who I'm going to sell this stuff to: Fenton Crackshell.".
Drake Mallard: "Fenton Crackshell? You mean the famous resistance leader, Fenton Crackshell? THAT Fenton Crackshell?".
Bushroot: "The very same. He's going to need both of those transit letters and he's going to WANT those plans for the armor; he certainly wouldn't want those plans to fall into Nazi hands."
Drake Mallard: "I can understand the armor and ONE transit letter, but why the OTHER?".
Bushroot: "Mister Crackshell is travelling with a rather lovely lady who looks like the kind of gal you WOULDN'T want to abandon; which I mean in both the good way AND the bad way.".
*****************************************************************************************************************
Bushroot leaves and a tall, muscular rooster in an impeccable white business suit walks in on Drake.
Drake Mallard: "What do you want, Willaim Irones?".
Willaim Irones: "Wat do youse mean "'wat do I want?'"? Da answa is da same as it is wid every visit, Drake? I want'a buy yer club.".
Drake Mallard: "Don't you ALREADY make enough money off your OWN club; "'the Steel Beak'"?".
Willaim Irones: "If I can't buy yer club, why not jest yer piano playa?".
Drake Mallard: "Ask him yourself, Irones.".
Willaim Irones walks up to Launchpad just as he finishes playing "Merry-Go-Round Broke Down".
Launchpad McQuack: "How many times do I have to tell you, Irones? The answer is NO; I DO NOT want to go working for you.".
Willaim Irones: "But youse would be make'n t'ree times wat youse do HERE.".
Launchpad McQuack: "Yeah, but I don't have time to spend what I make HERE. Besides, Drake ALREADY pays me THREE TIMES what I used to working for Scrooge McDuck, which was THREE TIMES what I ASKED FOR when I came to work for Drake.".
Drake Mallard: "There is your answer again, Mister Irones. Launchpad doesn't want to work for you."
Willaim Irones: "Very well. I admire dat kind'a loyalty. I jest wish MY employess were dat loyal. I'll be back t'ough.".
*************************************************************************************************
About a half-hour after Willaim leaves the cafe, a scrawny male duck of about average height wearing a non-descript light blue jacket and medium green vest discreetly enters the cafe accompanied by a tall, starkly beautiful female duck with long raven hair with some white streaks in it wearing a bright red Victorian era gown with a skirt reaching all the way to the bottom. The two ducks sit down at a table in a far-off corner of the cafe. Launchpad gives a look of recognition and wheels his piano out to see the couple.
Launchpad McQuack: "Hey, Fenton, Haven't seen you in a few years. I've heard you were a big-shot resistance leader now, but it's good to see you again."
Fenton Crackshell: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Not so loudly, Launchpad. I'm glad to see YOU again too, but I have to keep discreet. There are just too many Nazis on my tail.".
Launchpad McQuack: "Hey, no problemo, Fenton. I'll keep it .....(gives a look of recognition concerning Fenton's travelling companion) oh. Hiya, Morg."
Morgana McCawber: "It's been a long time, Launchpad. Err, excuse me, Fenton, would you mind giving Launchpad and I a chance to talk.".
Fenton Crackshell: "Hey, I don't have a problem with that. I mean, I didn't know YOU knew Launchpad TOO and I don't know what you would want to discuss with HIM that I can't overhear. Still, I'll respect your wishes. I've got to go to the bathroom anyway.".
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Soon, Fenton heads for the bathroom and Morgana continues;
Morgana McCawber: "So, Launchpad, how's Drake? Is he still the same as I remember him.".
Launchpad McQuack: "Well, Drake's kind of out right now; he's got a girlfriend he has been seeing for the past couple of months. I don't expect him back until morning.".
Morgana McCawber (a suspicious glare in her bright green eyes): "You never WERE a good liar, Launchpad.".
Launchpad McQuack: "Aww, come on, Morg. Leave Drake alone; he's just STARTING to get over it.".
Morgana McCawber: "Could you play and sing my favorite song for me. please?".
Launchpad McQuack: "Well, it HAS been a couple of years since I last played it and Drake DOES get a bit over-sensitive about it.".
Morgana zaps Launchpad with a low-level lightning bolt (just enough to knock him out for a couple of minutes without hurting him) and gets on the piano stool to play it herself.
Morgana McCawber: "That old black magic has me in it's spell; that old black magic that you weave so well; that same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine...".
*************************************************************************************************************
Drake happens along just as Morgana gets to this part and storms over to the piano.
Drake Mallard: "I thought I said that song was NEVER to be played in this (takes a look into Morgana's eyes)....oh, sorry, Morg. I'm sorry.".
Morgana McCawber: "Hello, there, Drake. Remember the last time, we saw each other?".
Drake Mallard: "I remember all too well; the Nazis wore black and you wore ....well, a much better black.".
Morgana McCawber: "I put that dress away until such a time as the Nazis are defeated; after that, I'll start wearing it again.".
*************************************************************************************************************
Fenton returns from the bathroom and sees Drake with Morgana. Drake and Morgana both see Fenton and Morgana gestures him to come forward.
Morgana McCawber: "Drake, this is Fenton Crackshell; Fenton Crackshell, this is Drake Mallard.".
Fenton Crackshell (good-naturedly extending his hand in friendship): "Well, one hears a lot about Drake Mallard in this town; though more about this Darkwing Duck the past few months.".
Drake Mallard (accepting the handshake): "And one hears a lot about Fenton Crackshell EVERYWHERE. Don't worry, though; I KNOW at least most of it is just ugly rumors.".
Fenton Crackshell: "Boy, Drakeroni, you DO have a great sense of humor. I can see why your club is so popular.".
Drake (silently thinking to himself): "THIS GUY's a resistance leader? He doesn't seem smart enough to lead a horse to water.".
****************************************************************************************************************
Bushroot sneaks into the cafe and tries to get in touch with Drake and get a hold of those papers he gave Drake earlier. Unfortunately, three Nazis come up behind Bushroot and grab him, turning Bushroot around to make him face to face with a large sociopathic-looking man-bull in a black Nazi uniform with major bars on it.
Major Taurus Bulba: "Judging by your movements, I would say you know something about the papers I'm lookin for.".
Bushroot: "Okay, I'll tell you where I put them, just as soon as I get a drink of water.".
Major Taurus Bulba: "I am NOT an idiot, sir, and will not fall for such an obvious trick.".
Bushroot: "Very well, Mister Bulba. You leave me NO CHOICE.".
Bushroot pats his head vigorous and produces a pollen cloud that disorients Bulba and his Nazis long enough for Bushroot to slip loose and uses his plant powers on a few nearby cacti, the resulting barrage of machine-gun-like needle fire allows Bushroot to escape unharmed. Captain Elmo Sputterspark comes up to Major Taurus Bulba begins showering him with flattery.
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Don't worry about that; Bushroot can be a very slippery customer, but I know you and your troops will get him in the end. After all, YOU'RE part of the reason the Third Reich enjoys the reputation it does.".
Major Taurus Bulba: "Spare me the obviously insincere flattery, Sputterspark. I know you're just kissing up to me to stay on what passes for my; and, by extension, Hitler's; good side. I'm here for two reasons only: 1. recover the letters of transit and battle armor plans stolen on that train and 2. Capture Fenton Crackshell.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "You mean, your quarry is THE Fenton Crackshell? I've heard he is one of the cleverest and most elusive resistance leaders at large. However, Major Bulba, I give you my word that my police force and I will aid in any way possible in capturing Crackshell.".
Major Taurus Bulba: "In that case, Sputterspark, stay out of this entirely. From what I've heard about your police force, they couldn't catch a cold in January in the middle of the Arctic. My men and I will handle Crackshell ourselves.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "That's only because every person we've persecuted over the last few months has come under the protection of some wiseacre masked vigilante called...".
Major Taurus Bulba: "I know; Darkwing Duck. However, I know my men and I can handle this mystery do-gooder if; or rather WHEN; he inteferes. Speaking of do-gooders, I see somebody I want to talk to.".
********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Major Bulba walks up to Drake after he has gotten a respectable distance away from Fenton and Morgana.
Major Taurus Bulba: "Ha. Mister Mallard. Just wanted to make sure you have no intention of interfering with my capturing of Crackshell.".
Drake Mallard: "Look, Major Bulba, I have no interest in whether you capture Crackshell or not. What makes you think I would?".
Major Taurus Bulba: "Because I have a rather detailed file on you, Mister Mallard. It seems you have quite the weakness for the underdog.".
Major Bulba pulls out a file bearing Drake's name and pictures and hands it to Drake. Drake reads the file thoroughly.
Drake Mallard (sarcastically): "Am I REALLY 38 years old? Also, I could have SWORN I was a LITTLE taller than four feet, eight inches."
Drake sees Gosalyn trying to sneak down stairs and discreetly gestures her to head back to her room before Major Bulba sees her. Gosalyn does so semi-grudgingly.
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "I assure you, Major Bulba, you have NOTHING to worry about from Drake. He is neutral about virtually everything; INCLUDING women and SPEAKING OF women, I think I see a rather lovely lady right there.".
*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Captain Sputterspark walks up to Morgana and gently kisses her on the hand with Drake and Fenton (the latter of whom quickly covering just enough of his face to make sure Major Bulba doesn't get a good look at him) BOTH discreetly looking on with restrained annoyance.
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Has anybody told you that you are the most beautiful women who has ever visited this city? If they did, it was a GROSS understatement."
Morgana discreetly conjures up a quick wind that pushes Captain Sputterspark into the back wall; a feat that have Drake and Fenton both looking on with discreet smiles.
Captain Elmo Sputterspark (in a half-dazed voice): "If you excuse me, I have to hit the club casino.
Major Taurus Bulba: "I shall search this cafe thoroughly until Crackshell is apprehended."
Bulba walks off, but thinks silently to himself.
Major Taurus Bulba (voice of his private thoughts): "That fool Crackshell thought I didn't spot him, but I'll wait until he THINKS he's getting away before ordering my men to capture him. It's crueler and more subtle that way. Futhermore, I know this is the night each week that Darkwing Duck and some anonymous pilot give a planeful of refugees safe passage out of this city. If I wait until Darkwing starts escorting said refugees to his plane, I'll be able to apprehend Crackshell WITHOUT this vigilante's meddling. Plus, when Darkwing finds out about Crackshell's capture, he'll try to sneak into the jail and save the foppish resistance leader. When he does THAT, I'll spring the trap I have planned for THAT do-gooder.".
***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Once more, Drake and Launchpad are once more out of earshot of the cafe crowd. This time, however, Gosalyn sneaks down and starts ease-dropping.
Drake Mallard: "It's almost time to close the cafe, LP, which means it's ALMOST time for you to get the plane warmed up. I'll get into costume and get ready to herd and protect the refugees bound for Lisbon.".
Launchpad: "Gotcha, DW. Don't worry, with our plane's super-charged engine, I'll have the plane back by morning like I always DO.".
Gosalyn Waddlemeyer-Mallard: "ALL RIGHT! Let's go help the innocent and kick some corrupt cop keister.".
Drake Mallard: "Gosalyn! I don't know how you managed to sneak down without my seeing you, but you ARE NOT going out there. This is very dangerous work AND Major Bulba is in town. You know; the guy who was responsible for the deaths of your natural parents AND your grandfather and almost killed YOU a year ago. Well, I'm NOT going to give him another shot at you. Now, please, for your own good, get to bed and STAY there; I'll be there in a few minutes to tuck you in.".
Gosalyn (sulking): "Aww. You're right, dad. I'm sorry. It's just I HATE being left out of the action, even if you DO have my best interests at heart.
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Gosalyn gets back upstairs and Captain Sputterspark just exits the casino area and comes up to Drake carrying a sack of money.
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Well, I think ol' Crackshell might meet his match this time.".
Drake Mallard: "Look, Captain Sputterspark, I'm willing to bet that somebody WILL find a way for Crackshell to escape. Certainly not me, but somebody. Crackshell's impossibly good luck is legendary. What would you say to a wager of 20, 000 francs.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Make it 10, 000 francs; I'm just a poor corrupt official.".
Drake Mallard: "Don't give me that; you make 50, 000 DOLLARS A WEEK off of slots and roulette. You can easily afford 20, 000 francs.".
Captain Elmo Sputterspark: "Very well, you win. 20, 000 francs it is. Man, you are a hard sell.".
Captain Sputterspark leaves the cafe and Drake goes in to Gosalyn's room to tuck her in for the night.
